Tuesday, March 8, 2011

thoughts for adding romance to your relationship

i'm currently reading, Infinite Possibilities by Mike Dooley, and its pretty interesting stuff. the chapter i've come to is all about love and relationships. i love the idea of being in love and relationships, so i just had to share - i found these 10 simple thoughts for adding romance to your relationship pretty insightful. yes, these thoughts may seem like common sense to some, but honestly after i reading, it kinda opened my eyes to things i'd never thought about before. i guess when you see the words in black and white...
sometimes it gives you a different perspective on things. so, here they are...

p.s. i by no means am trying to be a therapist or give relationship advice.
 i just feel knowledge is power, and the more you know, the more you grow.

10 simple thoughts to consider for making the most of your romantic relationship, in addition to all the other
guidelines and ideas that may already be serving you.

1. Beyond what’s “necessary,” shed all behavioral expectations you may have for your partner: rid yourself of all behavioral expectations that your partner will have to live up to, and instead keep your main focus on yourself – your own standards and behaviors – so you can add to the relationship rather than take away from it. Doing so will enable you to become your best; you’ll release your partner from our culture’s sometimes implied “job” of entertaining and making you happy, and you’ll create room for the unexpected.

2. Dwell on what’s right: Nothing can doom a relationship faster than dwelling on what’s wrong. In life you get what you think about, so if you’re constantly focusing on what’s wrong in your relationship or in the other person, look out! You just magnify it and project more of the same into the future. “We’re so different; I don’t know why we ever got together!” – chances are that if you’ve been drawn together with someone to the point of entering into a serious relationship, you have far more in common than you’ve even realized, whether or not your similarities have manifested into the same extracurricular activities or not. What you likely do have in common is life assumptions and core beliefs, and it’s likely just as true now as it was when you first met. Another irony here is that it’s the little differences between partners that actually attracted them to one another in the first place.

3. Don’t assume: If you’re assuming something about another, it means you’re guessing. And if you’re guessing, it means that communication and, more importantly, understanding has broken down in the relationship. In absence of actually knowing what’s going on, we make up the missing pieces, and usually when we make stuff up, we tend to listen to our fears more than what we know to be true.

4. Accept that there will be challenges: Enjoy and appreciate the challenges in your relationship, because by their mere existence, they create the perfect opportunity for you to master the areas of your life and yourself where you have the least understanding. Our relationships and our partners are not accidentally in our lives. Your partner’s qualities are often the very qualities that will bring about the perfect challenges that help you grow where you most need – and want – to grow.

5. Let the other person love you in his or her own way: This is presumably what attracted you in the first place – your partner’s unique personality and how he or she expresses him-or herself. Don’t expect to be treated exactly as you treat the other; it’s not fair and it only draws attention to your own perceived shortcomings of the other person, creating issues where there were indeed none.

6. Talk smart: Talking – communication- some say is that most important ingredient for a successful relationship, but I would add that it’s critical to choose your words wisely. Your talking can do as much damage, if not more, than silence.

7. Accept responsibility: This isn’t about what happened; it’s about how you reacted to it. Your emotional reaction to anything is based on your perception of it. You have choices about how you respond, and first course of action is to reexamine your understanding and perspectives, which is virtually impossible if you blame others for how you feel.

8. Fight fire with kindness: When someone is angry with you, it’s because somehow he feels threatened; he’s usually afraid of somehow losing his grip on the situation. Kindness truly is power, and it’s a powerful person who can live be a code of kindness at all times.

9. Have your own life and your own interests, and strive to be a fulfilled outside the relationship as you hope to be within it: Relationships should be to life what an excellent dessert is to a fabulous meal; they should never be the meal itself. Your relationships should add to your life, not be your life.

10. Make your own happiness job number one: Nothing else you might ever do in your relationships could be more important to you and, just as important, to those you love. You exponentially add to the joy of your relationships when you make your happiness job number one.

also, mentioned in the book...


The key, of course, is self-love. And the only way to love yourself is to first be yourself: authentic, genuine, and natural, which will lead you to understanding yourself, which as in all things, brings appreciation, acceptance, and compassion.

Follow your feelings, your heart, and your mind. Forget about appearances and what other people think, because no one else can know the secrets in your soul nor the promise that you came here to fulfill.

Where you are is never who you are. Yet, often where you are is all other people ever get to see of you. Only you know the truth about who you are.

When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything! Wait. Wait until you do know, because if you stay true to yourself, eventually you will reach the point of knowing.

In Love
 1. Honor yourself between relationships:
This first point about being in relationships is actually about when you’re not in one! Each of our lives has seasons, and what is right for one person may not be right for another. Whether you are single by nature or whether you are between relationships, your life now affords you opportunities for growth, adventure, and self-discovery that do not exist presently for those in a relationship. Enjoy this time. Use it. Appreciate every moment while being unconcerned about what anyone else thinks.

2. Measure your relationships by the love that’s been shared:
Too often relationships tend to be measured by how long they lasted instead of how much love or fun was experienced. There’s a belief that “great” relationships withstand the test of time. Since when has a clock or a calendar been the measuring unit for love, emotional growth, or happiness? Quality if what counts, not quantity. What’s important in any relationship is that it is fulfilling, rewarding experience in terms of either learning or happiness.

3. Understand your motivations:
Entering a relationship when you’re not ready or for the wrong reasons can make it an unhappy experience from the start. We have an obligation to ourselves to understand what motivates us, and that obligation extends to our partners as well. Relationships can’t make you happy; they only intensify whatever you already feel about yourself and life. Other people are like a mirror: they reflect your attitudes about life and yourself back to you. Your first objective, for the benefit of yourself and your relationships, is to make sure that you’re independently happy. When you’re happy and joy is your motivator, the rest of the details in your life will take care of themselves, and usually though not always, those around you will be happiest.

4. You decide what’s meant to be:
Why is it that in most areas of life, people believe in free will, infinite possibilities and our inherent, natural born freedom, yet when it comes to relationships, they believe that some are meant to be? It’s probably the romantic in all of us, and in that sense, when everything is rolling along smoothly in your relationship, it’s pleasant to fantasize that perhaps the Universe saw the two of you as being such incredible complements that is preordained the union. Yet should the relationship become challenging, the notion of your union being “meant to be” can mischaracterize everything!

5. Relationships are an adventure:
Just as in life, in an adventure there is hope, challenge, promise, and mystery. Relationships are not “work,” per se, as we so often hear. I understand the point trying to be conveyed when they are called “work.” and yes, all relationships, like all adventures, are an ongoing labor of love. But given that most in our society still consider “work” to be a four-letter word, attaching this label or characterization to your relationship is unwise. A firm belief in anything, including the presumption that relationships are “work,” will bring about that reality. The truth is that relationships don’t have characteristics until the people in them define them. They’re not easy or hard, challenging or rewarding, work or play until someone says so. A bigger truth here is not that relationships are this, that, or the other thing; it’s that individuals in relationships see them as this, that, or the other thing, and so they become. Rather than working on the relationship, each person “should be” mindfully “working” on his or her own life perceptions, which is true regardless of whether or not we are in a romantic relationship. It’s just that such relationships create fantastic opportunity for exactly this, as your partner so often reveals to you your own perceived strengths and weaknesses, and understandings and misunderstandings. It’s not that the relationship is work; it’s that it creates ideal conditions for us to learn about ourselves. Thoughts become things.

hope you enjoyed this "free" advice :)


Alisha said...

Great post. My favorite about challenges: "Enjoy and appreciate the challenges in your relationship" Everyday brings a new challenge, and with that, we grow a little more each day! :) :)

Miss C said...

Needed to read this today! :) Thanks. Enjoy your week.

Sam {fitnessfoodandfaith.blogspot.com} said...

great thoughts - thanks for taking the time to share :)

i always love reading advice on relationships. it's great to keep learning and growing!

Emily said...

I loved that. I especially loved the #5 'Relationships are an adventure' part. Too many people view it as the bad word, 'work' and not in this way. I liked that explanation of how it should be.
Oh and I really liked the picture of the faces in the sand. I thought that was so darn clever!

Brandi said...

This is great! You always have the most encouraging and inspiring posts! I really enjoyed this :)

Ashley said...

Thank you ladies for your kind comments! Encouraging posts like this one really help me and I'm happy to hear they do for some of you guys as well! Love yall :)