Wednesday, September 29, 2010

can i get a do-over?

some say change is good. i don't agree with those people. well, sort of. i want change, but i want certain things in my life to remain. i've never been one to walk away easily from a situation i've put my whole heart into. where i am now is in result of the mistakes i've made or things i did or didn't do. why didn't i do certain things to avoid where i am now? because i didn't know things would come to this. maybe because i took for granted what i had. maybe i never pictured that person not being in my life again. so many maybes, too many maybes...i hate maybes. comfort is an easy cop out...we do the same things because its comfortable, we stay in certain situations because there comfortable, but whatever happened to just wanting to be with that person because you feel their the one? the one that knows you a little to well, the one who's seen you mature into a beautiful person, the person who's always had your heart, the person that always makes you smile, the person that makes you feel safe, the one person that you could never stay mad at for too long. you don't meet this person twice. you don't have the same feelings for someone else. everything else is new - new person and new feelings. we all struggle with ourselves, each other...relationships aren't easy all the time. i'm not ready to throw off the boxing gloves just yet. sometimes you gotta fight for what you want. fight until you can't anymore. you just can't make people feel the way you do, but gosh it would be nice. sometimes i wish, i had some super power and you could see inside me...see my broken heart, my thoughts, my true feelings...my everything. change is a hard process. i know, i'm preaching to the choir. i'm not ready for change at this point in my life. i'm not one to regret, but for the first time i regret not doing what i truly felt for the last couple months. i regret taking things for granted. i regret not standing my ground and making it clear, this is it. were gonna do it. were gonna make this work. people make decisions of their own, but ultimately He has the say so in what happens. that explains why this person has been in my life for so long. regardless, of everything we've been through i still care for this person a lot and still want them in my life. the feeling of them no longer being there is just unbearable. its gut-wrenching and makes me sick to my stomach. sometimes, i hate being a woman and caring so darn much. i wish the changes i'm going through in general would be under different circumstances. it would make things a lot easier, but hey, who said life's easy right!although, change is here...i wish it would go away.
can i get a do-over?

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